You always here stories of great Christians who went through major health problems and came out stronger. They have inspirational stories of strength. Somehow in the communication of many of these stories, the message I get is that the person was always full of joy, hope, and optimism in the midst of their suffering. I tell you what, when you're the sick person, most days just plain suck.

It's 3:32 in the morning. I just tried a new medication tonight (gabapentin) for nerve pain. My entire body started burning as was going to bed, so I decided to try my first dose. I was extremely anxious about this new medication, because in the past, I've gotten awful side effects from medications without obtaining the desired effects. Well, sure enough, this medication was a disappointment and I'm miserable right now: restless and totally exhausted and wiped out. The nerve pain in still there, like a bad sunburn, but under the skin. I can almost get asleep, and then my nerves fire up even more as I lie still. Then I have to move, and I'm alert again. This cycle is exhausting. I guess I just have to wait for this medication to wear off: 5-7 hours. I took it at 12:30, so t-minus 2-4 more hours. Hopefully I can sleep before that.

I'm a nurse, and I'm scared to take medication. How pathetic is that? I used to get irritated with those patients that argue with you, because they're unwilling to take their first dose of a new medication for fear of its side effects. Now I am that patient... This is the fourth medication in my life that has caused a horrible adverse reaction. I suppose it's the mold biotoxin illness that makes my nervous system so finicky. Grr...

Somehow in the midst of night's like this, God is working. Can I see it right now? Not even close. Hopefully someday I'll look back and see how He was moving on nights like this one. Unlike those stories I mentioned in the beginning, I'm running low on hope, joy, and optimism. I'm weary, frankly put. I want to be the "spiritual giant", but right now my attitude is "this totally sucks."