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Woke up this morning and Mom was reading more information about mold biotoxin illness, Dr. Shoemaker’s protocol, vasoactive intestinal polypeptide, more dietary sacrifices: words that have become all-too familiar to me. I know some of that means nothing to you, but I don’t feel like explaining it right now (haha, sorry). Everything we read has a new suggestion, a new complicated protocol that seems unattainable without exorbitant amounts of money, more foods that you need to give up (that you’ve learned to lean on, after already giving up the foods that you love). Today it was the possibility of eggs and nuts being a problem (foods that can cause an allergic response). What?! As she read the  information aloud, I could feel the rage, hopelessness, and frustration building up within me. I mean, those are two of the main foods I’ve learned to snack on/get protein from since giving up all the normal things I love (gluten, dairy, sugar, most corn products). Think about it. Chips and salsa, cereal, cheese, sandwiches, icecream, cream in your coffee or sauces, melted cheese on your Mexican food, pizza, broccoli cheese soup, anything tempura fried...ugh. And then when I cheat on corn, or have something with a little bit of sugar, I feel guilty. I blame myself for why I’m not getting better. It’s extremely frustrating!!

Note: I should mention here that I so appreciate how much my parents care, and how much my mom has researched for me. She truly cares I get better. Not to mention, she puts up with my moodiness and fits of rage pretty well. (My agitation, anxiety, and depression are a physiological result of the inflammation and imbalance of my entire system, and often not controlled by my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like a different person because of it, and it breaks my heart. I wonder if I’m losing myself. I often want to be alone, just so I can’t hurt anyone with my words or depress them with my thoughts.)

I’ve been eating inflammatory-free for over 3 months now, with no improvement. I keep telling myself, “I wouldn’t mind giving up all this stuff so much if I could be encouraged with some results of my sacrifices so far.” I understand now how people with chronic illness stop taking all the dietary advice and decide to just live with their condition. Sometimes you wonder, “Will I ever get over this, or will I die with it having never eaten the foods I love?” I’m a foodie. I’ve always been a foodie. And I feel like that has been ripped out of my life, which is such a loss. I HATE going to the grocery store. Looking at a restaurant menu fills me with a sense of loss. It just depresses me. I’m hungry all the time, but the fridge and pantry are so disappointing. Not to mention, it saddens me how expensive this diet is. I’m so grateful my parents are paying for my life right now, but I feel so badly about all the costs I’m incurring for them.

I know I need to focus on the positives. To remain hopeful. To be grateful. But this is where I’m at today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Hey guys! As my first post, I thought it would be a good idea to share my recent story:

Last year, I graduated with my RN license, and I was focused on building a future and pursuing my career. I was ready for an adventure in life, and I carefully made the decision to move to Tennessee for my first RN job in early July. Things didn't go quite as expected, and I ended up losing my health. I came down with mono, hormone imbalances, and worst of all, something called depersonalization/derealization.

It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, and I was doing it away from home. I was scared like never before, and so worried about the unknown. In God's immense goodness, He provided some of the most amazing friends (love you guys!), and they are the only reason I survived 9 months away from home while going through this.

In March 2015, when I started getting vertigo, fatigue, weakness, and worsening anxiety, I chose to move home. I couldn't live on my own anymore, and I couldn't work as a nurse like that. After I got home in early April, things started to get even worse.

The depersonalization/derealization became more intense, I developed burning nerve pain all over my body with temperature dis-regulation, and my anxiety became unbearable and uncontrollable. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep well.

I went to quite a few doctors and ruled out autoimmune diseases, cancer, and structural problems. It was then that I began seeing a naturopathic doctor who diagnosed me with something called Mold Biotoxin Illness. I have a genetic mutation (25% of the population has this same mutation) that makes me extra-susceptible to getting sick from building mold.

In college, lived in a definitely-moldy dorm for a year and a half, and then some potentially moldy apartments. It was during that first year in a moldy dorm that I developed terrible allergies, weight gain, and anxiety issues. At the time, I thought the allergies were from moving to a different place, and I blamed myself for not coping with the stresses of college. Heart palpitations and chest tightness became a daily thing. Even at this time, I had quite a few medical tests to make sure there was nothing horribly wrong - all normal.

Eventually I tried a couple anxiety meds, as we decided my problem was all due to anxiety. They didn't help, but rather just gave me awful side-effects. During my last year of nursing school, I developed asthma, and I could not longer exercise outdoors without my inhaler. Life was still enjoyable despite these minor health issues. I just wrote them off as "the normal stuff people deal with".

It was then that I moved to Tennessee. 

Two months after getting to Tennessee, I started feeling like I was in a dream 24/7. I felt disconnected from reality, and my head felt like it was stuffed with cotton. I thought I was going mentally insane or that I had a brain tumor. I was terrified. During the next few weeks, we discovered I had something called depersonalization/derealization (an anxiety disorder), mono, and hormonal imbalances.

We theorized that everything was from mono, hormones, and anxiety, but that was only partly true. It wasn't until moving home and seeing a naturopath with knowledge of environmental illnesses (like mold) that the picture became clearer. As far as I understand, the biotoxins started building up in my system in college (causing an initial inflammatory response with anxiety, allergies, and asthma), but weren't enough to cause mass illness. The stresses of moving and mono eventually depressed my immune system to the point where the biotoxins became too much for my body to bear. Illness ensued, I quit my job, and now I'm left fighting it on a daily basis.

This blog is about this difficult journey I'm on. It's honest, so it might be really negative sometimes and not-so-encouraging. I have decent days and bad days, but I want to be honest about them. Sometimes I'm hopeful, and sometimes I want to die. But at least I can write about it :)