Being sick has changed my outlook on life. It's not a completely whole and healthy outlook yet, but there are new pieces that are falling into place...

Before this health stuff happened to me, my dream was to find a girl and get married soon, save up for a house, pay off a car or two, have kids after a couple years...ya know, the typical American dream. Now my life is filled with unknowns. Will I be healthy enough to advance in a career? How will I afford a future house and ensure that it's mold-proof? Will I even get healthy enough to date anytime soon? When will I finally be able to work again? These are questions I ask myself repetitively.

As this dream of mine seems so far out of reach, I'm starting to realize that, while it's not a bad dream, it might be a bit shallow of a dream. Is all I want for my life really to just pay off a house and some cars so my future family can be comfortable? I'm a man, and of course I want to provide for a family. Nonetheless, I'm realizing that if I get to my deathbed having only accomplished those materialistic goals, what would my life have been worth?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there's the "world-changer" dream: "I wanna change the world! Do awesome things! Live in other places! Travel the world!" I always felt guilty for not being on board with that dream --especially as a Christian. The realist in me says, "Well, that's great and all, but at the end of the day you gotta make a living and put food on the table." There has to be a balance there. A place where you can learn to live with passion, impact other people in a way that matters for eternity, but also to have realistic expectations for your life.  Is that wrong thinking?

I want to allow myself to dream big, but I also see the track record of how much I really can accomplish in a given amount of time: not as much as I once hoped. Heck, right now I barely have enough energy to survive through the day sometimes.

So if my previous dream is shallow and incomplete, what should my dream and desire be for my life? How can I make my life count, but also not expect unrealistic things of myself? For whatever reason, God has put my life in this holding pattern (if you want to call it that). The things I put my hope in before (a house, family, financial security, etc) now can't offer me anything. They can't give me my health back. They can't ease the anxiety, pain and fatigue I have on a daily basis. They can't give me hope for today. Maybe life is so much more than dreaming about a career and a house... Maybe the American Dream has it really really wrong after all.