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Woke up this morning and Mom was reading more information about mold biotoxin illness, Dr. Shoemaker’s protocol, vasoactive intestinal polypeptide, more dietary sacrifices: words that have become all-too familiar to me. I know some of that means nothing to you, but I don’t feel like explaining it right now (haha, sorry). Everything we read has a new suggestion, a new complicated protocol that seems unattainable without exorbitant amounts of money, more foods that you need to give up (that you’ve learned to lean on, after already giving up the foods that you love). Today it was the possibility of eggs and nuts being a problem (foods that can cause an allergic response). What?! As she read the  information aloud, I could feel the rage, hopelessness, and frustration building up within me. I mean, those are two of the main foods I’ve learned to snack on/get protein from since giving up all the normal things I love (gluten, dairy, sugar, most corn products). Think about it. Chips and salsa, cereal, cheese, sandwiches, icecream, cream in your coffee or sauces, melted cheese on your Mexican food, pizza, broccoli cheese soup, anything tempura fried...ugh. And then when I cheat on corn, or have something with a little bit of sugar, I feel guilty. I blame myself for why I’m not getting better. It’s extremely frustrating!!

Note: I should mention here that I so appreciate how much my parents care, and how much my mom has researched for me. She truly cares I get better. Not to mention, she puts up with my moodiness and fits of rage pretty well. (My agitation, anxiety, and depression are a physiological result of the inflammation and imbalance of my entire system, and often not controlled by my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like a different person because of it, and it breaks my heart. I wonder if I’m losing myself. I often want to be alone, just so I can’t hurt anyone with my words or depress them with my thoughts.)

I’ve been eating inflammatory-free for over 3 months now, with no improvement. I keep telling myself, “I wouldn’t mind giving up all this stuff so much if I could be encouraged with some results of my sacrifices so far.” I understand now how people with chronic illness stop taking all the dietary advice and decide to just live with their condition. Sometimes you wonder, “Will I ever get over this, or will I die with it having never eaten the foods I love?” I’m a foodie. I’ve always been a foodie. And I feel like that has been ripped out of my life, which is such a loss. I HATE going to the grocery store. Looking at a restaurant menu fills me with a sense of loss. It just depresses me. I’m hungry all the time, but the fridge and pantry are so disappointing. Not to mention, it saddens me how expensive this diet is. I’m so grateful my parents are paying for my life right now, but I feel so badly about all the costs I’m incurring for them.

I know I need to focus on the positives. To remain hopeful. To be grateful. But this is where I’m at today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.